Lose/lose

It doesn’t make sense to me…how can you like someone so much and care for them so much but tell them that you will find someone else to like? My heart isn’t in that…my heart is in the one. My heart wants the one. I don’t want to lose her, but in order not to lose her; I have to find someone else? How does that work? All that will cause is me to lose her. Why do I always seem to end up in the lose/lose situation? Why can’t I ever get a win?

The end

Just like that...the star burned out. I know that I was stupid for ever thinking I could find away to make it work. There was just too much set against us. I fell for her...hard. She was all I thought about. I would do anything to take tonight back. I would do anything to make things right again...I just don't see how. She told me that once I get my shit straight I can hit her up again...but how do you get your shit straight when there is extending circumstances. All I know is even if tonight didn't fuck us up...we were living on borrowed time. She said she needed space...that she felt the same way for me that I felt for her. I believed her when she said that. She made me feel like no one else ever has, with how she treated me, cared about me, wanted me, liked me. The things she said...I felt like someone was truly falling for me and it wasn't about what I could do for them. It was the greatest feeling in the world...last night she said she liked Ray better than Rich. Today she told me that Reymundo meant king of the world...and while talking to her I did feel like the king of the world and I wanted to be king of her world, but after tonight, after how I fucked up, if I am king, it is of nothing. Cause after tonight...I have no world... If you read this...know I am truly sorry...

Wrestling with oneself

How does one do it? How does one lie to themselves? I mean…it has to be simple right? A lot of people everyday convince themselves to do something that goes against their moral fiber or of the such…they lie to themselves and say that it isn’t bad, or it’s necessary or whatever the case may be. I wish I had that ability…

If I had that ability then this afternoon would be a lot easier… “Rich, its okay, it doesn’t mean anything…” yeah, like I am capable of believing that. Not so much…it isn’t that it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just…she means something. Something more than maybe…no, that’s not true either. She means exactly what she should mean to me, and she means more to me each and every day in new ways.

Maybe I can find a switch and flip it…kid me into thinking the other way. No…kidding is a form of lying, and lying is back to the beginning of this. I guess…the only thing that I can do is hope to tell the truth…

I’m sorry about the email from this afternoon…I was a little down, so I said what I did and yeah…normally, I would have put j/k or lol on it…but yeah, I was tore up inside a little. I was honestly kidding when I said if I had her number that I would call her. I would never do that. I know how that could make you feel, basically the way that it did make you feel when I didn’t put it on there…so I want to apologize for being a boneheaded guy…

Furthermore…

The truth be told…that damn jealousy monster reared its ugly head. Though, not in a malicious or psycho way. I was jealous cause he was getting to spend that time with her, he was getting to see how she laughed, not just hear it. He was getting to see that smile on her face appear, not just imagine how it would happen from the pictures received. Though, since I brought up the pictures, I do know that I am a very lucky man to get those pictures and that many, MANY people would be jealous of me for that.

I guess…the more I think, I have things that many people would be jealous of as well…I’m in her thoughts, her dreams. From sun up, to sun down I know that if she isn’t tied up with anything that we talk back and forth all day long…and then once the sun does set, for the most part she is mine.

I know that there would be guys who would be extremely jealous for the times that the things like this morning happen. That she has those sorts of thoughts about me most of every day. That if given the opportunity and the privacy, that those moments could happen at anytime.

I guess…I would be willing to stake a guess that even though she is out to lunch with that guy, I’m still the one she maybe thinking about…so maybe, it should be him who is jealous, cause while he is physically close to her…mentally she is miles away…

Then again…I could be completely wrong…………

Road less, but should be, traveled?

Have you ever known what your life was to be? I mean…not the day to day stuff…but the big stuff. That you knew you would be this in life, or marry this type of person, or have that kind of job? Well, the question is what happens when life gives you the thing that you never knew you wanted?

Te quiero no solo como eres, pero como soy cuando estoy contigo.

Gomez has this way of making me smile. She takes away my worries and concerns, makes things better. Today, she proved to me just where she stood in my life because when I needed someone to talk to, she not only stepped up to it, but did it so willingly.

Who would have known that the girl to not only mend this broken heart, but maybe make it better than ever would have to live 22 hours away. Is it a cruel joke? Or is it life saying, here you go…here is that thing that you never knew you wanted, what are you willing to do to show you want it now?

Si yo fuese el mar y tu una roca, haria subir la marea, para besar tu boca.

Yes, I know that it is a little cheesy…but it is true. My grandfather once told me that if you find the right woman, that you don’t let anything stop you, especially if she feels the same. You don’t let anything stop you…hell or high water! (Yes, I know that thought scares you a little, but it is true, if this is becomes whatever…I would raise the tide for you).

Who would have imagined that maybe, just maybe, the girl of my dreams I would meet as I did? I mean…she knows what to say to make you a guy feel special..and yeah, at first…that’s what it was…but over time, I know and she knows, it became more than that. It became…well, it became what it is now, of course, the only thing that sucks is the distance, there are times that Cierro mis ojos y te imagino junto a mi. And when I do, I smile at that thought…

So…even if this happened to get me over a hump..I know that I am forever changed by her and she will always, always, always have a special place in my heart…

Soy adicto a usted y solo usted.

Anticipation...

Remember that feeling that you would get as a little kid as Christmas approached? You just couldn’t wait for that magical morning after Santa arrived? How during the night, you were waiting for morning to get there? You would try to sleep, and wake up what would seem like every five minutes? That night was the longest night ever?

Well…that’s how this weekend has been for me. All weekend been watching time tick away, not nearly quick enough. Waiting for that girl who has me all twitterpatted to get home… As the weekend went on…it got longer and longer! I tossed and turned all last night…cause I know I was less than 24 hours away from her getting home, for things getting back to normal.

I have so much I want to tell her…just random thoughts I had. Or little stories about my weekend. OR something that I saw or heard that made me think of her…which was pretty all weekend on. I don’t understand how she can’t be just completely exhausted with as much running through my thoughts she did. J

After this weekend…it just has reaffirmed to me the way she has wound her way into my life…wrapped herself up in my thoughts, and have found her way into my heart. I know that no matter what…I’ll be forever changed by her…and I know that I will always be excited and full of anticipation for the next time I get an email from her, a im, or I hear her voice. Everyday for the rest of my life…I’ll always anticipate that! Just think....Christmas morning is like 6 hours away...I think I can make it.

A Dichotomy

That's what I've become...a complete and total dichotomy... I've always relied on my intelligence and common sense to get me through life, I've had lapses, but when it mattered most, it has never let me down. Now...oh boy now...lol...

I can't wait until the next time we talk...though I know at anytime it could be the last

I want to know what you are thinking...though it scares me to be thinking about you all the time

I want to tell you everything...though I'm afraid to share my deepest, darkest stuff for fear you will think I'm broken.

I want to be the only one for you...though I'm afraid that with that power you can crush me

I know that this probably will end in heartache for me...but not talking to you leaves me empty and as if there is something missing in my life...

You fill a hole that I didn't know was empty...now when you are gone, that hole is bigger and deeper than ever...

I can't believe I found a woman as amazing as you are...I wonder why you are with someone like me

I am self-assured...I wonder what it is you see in me and why me?

I've been down this road before...but this time it is like no other time ever...

I know that you are right...but I hope to prove you wrong...

Hell...there are so many contradictory things in my head that I feel like I'm going crazy...though I have never felt calmer and more at peace as I do when I'm talking to you...

I know that you are the type that not only can I, but will end up opening my heart to...though in one fell swoop you could crush it.

I know that any given day will be the day that a word could apply...and I'm afraid of what that word would do to us.

I believe in that word...I've never been more afraid of that word ever...

I have never been so attracted, in all sense of the word, to anyone...I've never been more afraid of liking a person as much as I like you....

I should have used this time away to figure things out...all I figured out is that I miss you terribly when we can't be us...

Now... Withall the fears listed above...there is nothing I want more than to have you in my arms, to look at me, giving me that knowing smile...

the only time I feel peace is when I hear your voice, hear that smile, hear one of your laughs...

even though I fight to keep control...I want to lose all self-control with you...

I want to experience everything with you before time runs out...I need to be patient so I don't lose you...

Patience is a virtue....damn...why am I struggling to have it now???

Gomez -I've missed you terribly...I didn't know I could miss someone this much!

Superman???

I can’t stand to fly…

Well, thank good because I can’t. I’m not talking in a plane, I was talking as a man on his own, like a certain hero of mine. I have always liked the man that stood for Truth, Justice and the American way. I have always looked up to him and wanted to be like him…sometimes to the detriment of myself. When I was younger, I was actually diagnosed with what my therapist called, “Superman Syndrome.” Thinking that I have to put everyone in front of me, worry about everyone else first, not just my own wants and or needs.

As I got older, I will admit, I still looked out for the people I cared for first…put them first. Would do anything for those I loved no matter the cost physically, emotionally or mentally to myself. Hell, even if I didn’t know you, and you needed help, I would try and help. I continued to like superman, hell…I went out and got his shield put on my left arm.

I lack Superman’s powers…but maybe…just maybe, I have found his greatest strength and his greatest weakness. Never before in my life did I think I would find my Lois Lane, but I have. The person who challenges me to be better…keeps me sane, keeps me flying.

Like Lois to Superman, you have become my strength. I think about you all day long…everyday anymore. I wonder what you are doing…who’s lucky enough to be able to see you run in and out of the store. I wonder what you are thinking…if you are thinking of me.

I want to know what it’s like to see you, and have you light up. What it’s like to curl up on the couch next you with some beer, a pizza and a good movie.

I want to know what it’s like to kiss you…to feel your lips part as our tongues slide against the others. What it’s like to have your body melt into mine as passion takes over. I want to feel your mouth on me...I want feel you cum on me as I’m thrusting hard into you. I wanna know what you taste like…as my tongue snakes in and out of your wet pussy. I want to take you, and use you as my own personal toy…my own dirty little slut.

But know…as I’ll treat you like that in the bedroom…everywhere else you will be treated like a princess. Treated like you deserve to be…

The scary part of all of this is that you are the Lois Lane to my Superman…but you are also kryptonite. There are parts of you that affect me like red kryptonite does Superman. It takes away all inhibitions…makes me want you so bad. To take you…damn the consequences. I see…I take.

Or blue kryptonite…which takes away all my powers. Takes away my ability to think clear, takes away my common sense. Takes away my self-assuredness…I want you to like me…I want you to want me…

But the one that is the worst…you are green kryptonite. You make me weak…weak in the knees. I wonder if with me weak, you will hurt me, cause I’ve opened up completely to you. Shared things with you that scare me…cause you would think I am broken.

Just like for Superman…Lois Lane is his one…I want to be Superman to your Lois Lane. The one who you turn to when you need something, The one you turn to when you are afraid…the one you turn to when you need anything. The only one you need…

And that is the part that scares me most…because you take away all my strength, make me my most vulnerable. But at the same time…you can be the one who truly makes me super.