Wrestling with oneself

How does one do it? How does one lie to themselves? I mean…it has to be simple right? A lot of people everyday convince themselves to do something that goes against their moral fiber or of the such…they lie to themselves and say that it isn’t bad, or it’s necessary or whatever the case may be. I wish I had that ability…

If I had that ability then this afternoon would be a lot easier… “Rich, its okay, it doesn’t mean anything…” yeah, like I am capable of believing that. Not so much…it isn’t that it doesn’t mean anything, it’s just…she means something. Something more than maybe…no, that’s not true either. She means exactly what she should mean to me, and she means more to me each and every day in new ways.

Maybe I can find a switch and flip it…kid me into thinking the other way. No…kidding is a form of lying, and lying is back to the beginning of this. I guess…the only thing that I can do is hope to tell the truth…

I’m sorry about the email from this afternoon…I was a little down, so I said what I did and yeah…normally, I would have put j/k or lol on it…but yeah, I was tore up inside a little. I was honestly kidding when I said if I had her number that I would call her. I would never do that. I know how that could make you feel, basically the way that it did make you feel when I didn’t put it on there…so I want to apologize for being a boneheaded guy…

Furthermore…

The truth be told…that damn jealousy monster reared its ugly head. Though, not in a malicious or psycho way. I was jealous cause he was getting to spend that time with her, he was getting to see how she laughed, not just hear it. He was getting to see that smile on her face appear, not just imagine how it would happen from the pictures received. Though, since I brought up the pictures, I do know that I am a very lucky man to get those pictures and that many, MANY people would be jealous of me for that.

I guess…the more I think, I have things that many people would be jealous of as well…I’m in her thoughts, her dreams. From sun up, to sun down I know that if she isn’t tied up with anything that we talk back and forth all day long…and then once the sun does set, for the most part she is mine.

I know that there would be guys who would be extremely jealous for the times that the things like this morning happen. That she has those sorts of thoughts about me most of every day. That if given the opportunity and the privacy, that those moments could happen at anytime.

I guess…I would be willing to stake a guess that even though she is out to lunch with that guy, I’m still the one she maybe thinking about…so maybe, it should be him who is jealous, cause while he is physically close to her…mentally she is miles away…

Then again…I could be completely wrong…………